How to support a friend healing from narcissistic abuse.

Hi there beautiful soul,

So your friend is suffering a deep trauma. They’ve left an abusive relationship and their world is shattered, and you want to support them back to sanity and health. I love you for this! Here’s some of the ways my friends did (or did not) help me.

There’s a lot to understand when it comes to narcissistic abuse. There isn’t one quick response that can truly convey what it is and what it does to a person. When I first gave myself permission to let two good friends hear my full story—and I was scared to do so—it took hours. To their credit, they stayed with me all the way, to deeply understand what I was experiencing, but it was exhausting.

At this point I had already made the decision to walk away from people who I thought loved me, but the circumstance I found myself in was too much for them to hold. I heard comments like “you should have stayed for the kids” and “I believe your story of abuse but my husband wants to stay friends with your ex, so I have to also.” Not receiving their support was another trauma that added to the overwhelm.

Your friend is going through something complex and emotionally gruelling that will take years to unravel and heal. It’s a slow march towards freedom that requires patience, compassion and so much love.

My support suggestions:

Listen - as often as you have capacity to do so. There will much that is spiralling around in their head and heart. They will need you to be there to just hear them. You don’t need the answers to their problems. Hopefully they have sought professional therapy already, or you can help them with the search.

Believe them - I know it can be hard for some people to believe the abuse that happened behind closed doors, when a person has spent years publicly presenting as being happy in the relationship. This topic is for another article, but for now, if you didn’t see the warning signs then suspend disbelief and truly listen to what your friend is saying happened.

Check in with them - in my experience, I woke up most mornings between 3-4am for my daily anxiety attack. All alone and bewildered. A beautiful way to check in is to simply send a random text every now and again before you head off to work - ‘I love you’, ‘thinking of you’, ‘I like you just the way are’. They can be profound life savers to a person not sure how they are even going to make it through the next hour.

Don’t be scared to have fun - in the early days of my recovery—and to my surprise—I actually found spaces to let in joy. Aided by beautiful family and friends, without any forced intentions, joy passed through. These moments were huge circuit breakers to my pain and helped open me up to the possibility that I could be free of the daily emotional battering. So have fun, plan fun, create fun moments. If it doesn’t land how you hoped at least you tried and your friend still knows you love them. I had friends pick me up and take me hiking, or to the beach, or out for dinner, or off to spiritual workshops, or shopping, or dancing in the dark nights. They were all the small pieces of joy and friendship that were woven in with my own efforts at recovery. They were meaningful, supportive and fun!

Ask what they need - it’s always the easiest way to help. ‘What can I do?’ I know your friend may not always have the answer, they may still be consumed by the unravelling of all their pain. I found the first year of healing I was only able to get through a day hour by hour. The second year I could start to see my way through day by day. It wasn’t until the third year—and lots of therapy—that I started to see a way to actually believing I could recover. If your friend can’t give you an answer as what would help, then simply be there with them, order or cook a meal, make a cup of tea and sit with them. Let them know they are safe to fall apart in your presence. Hold them when they need it.

The truth about your friend is that they are an empathic soul that doesn’t yet know their true strength and power. That knowledge will come to them through the healing process. Until then, your support is the grace and love they need. Thank you!